The Diaries
by That Crazy Person with a Pen
Summary: The Diaries of the Episode II characters have been stolen-I mean er found and you can read them. The story of Episode II in the character's eyes. Mace Windu and Yoda are up now.
1. Anakin Skywalker

_**Disclaimer:** Own Star Wars I do not. Property of George Lucas, Star Wars is. Speack like Yoda however I do._

**The Diarys**

_The diarys of key characters from Star Wars have been stolen and being made public, firstly...___

**The Diary of Anakin Skywalker**   


  


Page 1

We were ordered by the Jedi Council to look after Senator Padme Amidala. We used to know eachother nine or ten years ago, from looking at us you would think or rather KNOW there was a terrible age difference. But since then the age gap has miraculously been closed as I have aged by ten years and she has aged, rather strangely, by a couple of months it seemed. 

When I tried to tell Obi-wan that her perfume is intoxicating, he thought that I was talking about the actual person and told me to be mindful of my feelings! Hah what does he know about being mindful of his feeling! HE WEARS ROBES!!!! 

Page 2

Went to the Jedi Temple today, and they gave me my first mission. I was to take her to Naboo and protect her. I tried to persuade her to tell me where she got her perfume from and I suppose I half succeeded. But I had to run around with her and roll around with her and talk to her and eat with her. Then at night she put on this really slutty dress and told me (In code of course for we had agreed that to prevent Padme's subjects from looking at me strangely we had to cleverly devise a code. They gave me strange looks anyway) that I couldn't have it. It was all "We live in a real wold!" ("We live in a real world"), "And I'm not going to give everything up" ("And I'm NOT telling you where that store is") and "NO" ("If you want this perfume your going to have to go get it yourself, search the galaxy like I did.") And then I saw it, a cylinder of perfume with the tag on it. It said 'Essence of Shmi Skywalker, Mos Eisley'. 

Page 3

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah-   
-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahahah- 

Page 4

Page 4 is having to substitute for page three due to excessive laughter. 

I tricked Padme into taking me to Mos Eisley. I said that I had to see my mother and she just crumbled under my fingers. Perfume here I come. 

Page 5

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My mother took all the perfume with her and got caught by Tuskan Raiders! I can't beleive the stupidity! In memory of her they won't be making any more of the perfume forever!!!!!!!! ARGHHG 

Page 6

Those Tuskan Raiders, they took the perfume and killed my Mum!!!! So I killed them, and not just the women but the men and the children and the LITTLE PET PUPPYDOGS!!!!!! That'll teach em. 

Page 7

The funeral was today, it hadn't really sunk in before. My Mum was dead, the perfume was gone. My life wasn't worth living anymore. Then R2-D2 came along with a message. Saying Obi-wan was in a slight predicament. All we saw them was him blasted to peices by some droid. Padme insisted on going to rescue him though. So I tagged along and eventually we landed. Only for Padme to confide in me that the perfume wasn't from Mos Eisley, it was from Coruscant. (In code of course). Then they took us out to be executed, no logic in that woman's thinking. Tut tut tut. 

Page 8

Well it turns out Obi-wan was alive. And then it was so cool cause then we were battling these creatures and then we were...er...battling droids. And then Obi-wan was battling an animal. And then we were battling these clones! Weren't we? 

Page 9

MY HAND MY HAND MY BEAUTIFUL HAND!!!!!!! WHAT HAS THAT ARROGANT OLD SITH WITH BAD DRESS SENSE DONE TO IT!!!! GO YODA! GO YODA! GO YODA! GO YODA! 

Page 10

Me and Padme had an official perfume ceremony on Naboo. The witnesses were C-3PO and R2-D2, now I get to use ALL her perfumes. Ah yes a happy ending as is most often in films, books and sorts. 


	2. ObiwanKenobi

_Disclaimer: Own Star Wars I do not. Property of George Lucas Star Wars is. Speak like Yoda however I do.___

**The Diaries**__

_The diaries of key characters from Star Wars have been stolen and made public. In chapter 1 the events of episode II unfolded in Anakin Skywalker's eyes. In this chapter its the turn of...___

**The Diary of Obi-wan-Kenobi**

Page 1

We were commanded by the Jedi Council to protect a politician. I can't see why the council is so concerned its just a Senator. My young padawan learner wanted to start an investigation for a POLITICIAN. I ignored this as just his naievity but then later he said being around the Senator was intoxicating. Well I cleared up that, ranted about politicians and THEN he said he thought Palpatine was a good man!!!! Some chosen one he is. 

Page 2

Well last night, I did everythin that involved flying. I bravely rid a dangerous probe, engaged in a courageous and perilous speeder chase AND disarmed an assasin! Oh Ok Anakin helped a tiny bit. But it was me doing all the IMPORTANT things. And today the Jedi Council ordered me to do an investigation for a POLITICIAN. I'll teach her, wait until she is sleeping, silently ignite my lightsaber and-! No thats the dark side talking. Calm and sophisticated I am, calm, sophisticated and good.Ahh. 

Page 3

I went and harassed Dex today, he knew exactly what it was, a Kamino Saber Dart! But when I looked for Kamino in the archives, it wasn't there! That stuffy old archive lady told me that if Kamino wasn't in the archives, it didn't exist! I bet she deleted it, I always knew she was a Sith. With lack of anything else to do I went to see Yoda, fat help he was, talked to me like I was a baby and took me into a crowd of horrible leering children. As bad as politicians they are children, as bad as politicians. 

Page 4

Kamino is quiet a nice place, sunny sky, warm beachs, tall shady trees, great hotels, not a cloning facilitie in sight in fact! Oh wait thats Caribea. Kamino is a terrible place, rainy and dark with a huge cloning facilitie and anorexic staff. Not only that but there was a Bounty Hunter there, who almost killed me! I was better than him of course bugged his ship. I followed him to Geonosis where I alone fought him in a destructive battle, before tricking him. I then landed on Geonosis where I am writing this now. I'm just going to-to aaaaah aaaah AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Page 5

I am now being held prisoner in a compound on Geonosis, but I still have my diarie! Count Dooku it turns out has a beard! Count Dooku also has white hair! And Count Dooku is a POLITICAL IDEALIST in short a POLITICIAN! 

Page 6

Oh yeah and he's a Sith, but who really cares about that stuff anyway? 

Page 7

Hah ha I RULE!!!! Me, Anakin and Padme were being executed but I so totally saved them and then there was a huge battle and I tried to get Padme 'accidently' killed with my lightsaber but Anakin was too close. I hate it when he does that. 

Page 8

ANAKIN'S HAND ANAKIN'S HAND HIS BEAUTIFUL HAND!!! THAT STUPID ARROGANT POLITICIAN CUT OFF HIS HAND!!! GO YODA GO YODA GO YODA!!!! 

Page 9

I was in the jedi temple and Yoda was rattling on about something or other and I told him that it wouldn't have been a victory without the clones. And Yoda just rattled on. Rattler. 

Page 10

I saw Anakin getting married, he thought he was safe from me, but his new wife may just slip onto my lightsaber sometime. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!__


	3. Senator Padme Amidala

_Disciamer: Own Star Wars I do not. Proper of George Lucas it is. Speak like Yoda however I do._

**_Warning: There is some Padme bashing in here, but not much._**

**The Diaries**

_The diaries of many Star Wars characters have been stolen and made public. In chapter 1 Anakin Skywalker told his story of how his search for Padme's perfume led him from Coruscant to Naboo, from Naboo to Tattooine, from Tattooine to Geonosia and from Geonosia back to Naboo. And in chapter 2 the fact of Obi-wan's hate of politicians was revealed. But what secrets lurk in..._

**The Diary of Senator Padme Amidala**

Page 1

My decoy died! She was blown to smithereens just like that. Oh well I never liked her anyway, I acted sad naturally so that my loyal subjects would not think that I'm a heartless cow. But I am HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAH! Ani came back to me today. I knew he couldn't go for long without the taste of my perfume. Well ten years isn't long to Yoda is it? But if their watching me day and night how am I supposed to sneak off to Kamino to have my age genetically altered? Hmm questions so many questions. 

Page 2

Me and Ani are leaving for Naboo, I'm supposed to disguise myself as a refugee so I'll just put on my white satin gown with black lacing and my special hat and vale to match. And there I look like a Queen...er...of refugees. 

Page 3

Today was hectic, I kissed Ani! And I got a letter from Jar Jar! I may have to kill him because of the spelling mistakes. 

_dear Padme_

_Hoping yousa is having a wonduful time with Ani. Mesa isa having a few itsy bitsy probilems. Numbur wun, mesa is having bombad responsibilities, filling in for yu is so difficult. Numbur too, mesa is having so many problems when trying to write! People say mesa's spellin isant good! It is good wright?_

_Yours sincerly_

_Jar Jar_

I wrote a simple reply so as to refrain from sending a death threat. 

_Dear Jar Jar_

_No_

_From Padme_

_P.S DI..._

I finished off the day by refusing to tell Ani where I get my perfume. And the ultimate lie "WE LIVE IN A REAL WORLD!!!" God I have got to stop lieing! 

Page 4

Gone to Tattooine to supposedly 'Find Ani's mother' yeah right, HE WANTS THAT PERFUME!!!!! 

Page 5

The funeral was so sad. I almost cryed, but then a fly flew into my tear ducts. Stupid fly. 

Page 6

We flew to Geonosia and got caught red handed. Literally I accidently stuck my hand into some red paint. We were then taken out to execution, on the way I became immensely attracted to Anakin. I only saw the can of love potion bodyspray after I kissed him. I slashed my back with a metal chain, but I recovered from the immense pain after a couple of seconds. Miraculous what fear can do to you. 

Page 7

It was so romantic, Anakin was protecting me in the battle. I was so attracted to him! Then I saw him respraying his love potion bodyspray again. Hmph!

Page 8

I fell off the ship, and I didn't die! Hahahahahah very nice of me a swift landing, graceful, timed, perfect. I was knocked unconscious gently because of my skill. 

Page 9

ANAKIN'S HAND ANAKIN'S HAND HIS BEAUTIFUL HAND! THAT ARROGANT COUNT WITH A BAD DRESS SENSE CUT OFF ANAKIN'S HAND! GO YODA GO YODA GO YODA GO YODA! 

Page 10

I told Anakin where I really get my perfume, he was so pleased we had a ceremony. I noticed a camera on one of the flowers though. Could somebody be watching us? NAHHHH!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Count Dooku

_Disclaimer:_ _Own Star Wars I do not. Property of George Lucas it is.___

**The Diaries******

**This particular diary has been written by my friend Phoenix Fyre, who is usually found in the Lord of the Rings section but kindly agreed to write Dooku's diary for me. Thanks to her.**

_The Diaries of Anakin Skywalker, Obi-wan-Kenobi and Padme Amidala have been made public. Now it is time to read...___

**The Diary of Count Dooku**

  
  


Entry One

To do list: 

Buy onions   
Buy new aftershave   
Write letter to Aunty Sue   
Take over the universe. 

Entry Two:

Have bought onions. And written letter to Aunty Sue. Taking over the universe may be a bit more difficult but it's finding the right scent of aftershave I'm really worried about. I need one that says 'I must be feared' with a slight whiff of sea salt. 

Entry Three

Aunty Maggie's birthday. 

Entry Four

Bored. Nothing to do. I'm going to have a nap. Inspiration will come. Oh, Uncle Ben says hi. 

Entry Five

Captured Prat boy (Obi-wan or whatever he's called) today. Gave him a good kick or two then got bored. On a more interesting note I found the perfect aftershave. Dark and mysterious, but riddled with the sand and lighthouses. Stole it. 

Entry Six

Tried to kill Prat boy, his little apprentice and their snooty little Padme but they got away. Chased after them on my flying quadbike and Padsy fell on to the sand. Hope she's dead. 

Entry Seven

ANAKIN'S HAND! HIS HAND, HIS HAND, HIS BEAUTIFUL HAND! 

Entry Seven (second entry)

Have a plan. I should cut off everyone's head. Or their hands. Tried to slice off Prat boy's manhood but he was surprisingly protective of it. Wonder why. He never uses it. Fnar fnar. Ah well. Oh, and the green man came and did a little bit of fighting. 

Aunty Maggie had her baby today. It's a girl. She's called it Lola. 

Entry Eight

Run out of aromatic spices. 

Entry Nine

Darth Sidious met little baby Lola. He tried to turn her evil but Maggie objected. She's very touchy about it. 

Entry Ten

I hear there's a marriage taking place. Maggie says a marriage can either be a prison or a blessing. Maggie must have joined the Prat club. 


	5. Mace Windu

_Disclaimer: Own Star Wars I do not. Property of George Lucas it is. Speak like Yoda however I do._

**The Diaries**

_The diaries of Anakin Skywalker, Obi-wan-Kenobi, Senator Padme Amidala and Count Dooku have so far been probed. What will be uncovered when opened is..._

**The Diary of Mace Windu**

Page 1

Senator Amidala, Senator Amidala, Senator Amidala. How wrong she always if, I had to refrain my laughter when she said that she thought Count Dooku was behind the "Attacks". I dismissed that naturally, he was once a Jedi, anybody who was once a Jedi can do no evil. Especially if they become a Sith. 

Page 2

I'm certain that its those spice miners. I have motive, I have method and I have a piece of paper I stole from a Cluedo game in the Jedi Recreation Centre. Motive: She didn't buy their spice. Method: Their recent drop in spice supplies suggest that the built ships out of spice, then flew around and stalked her with probes made of spice, they then fired hard peices of buring spice at her this has caused them to not have much spice left. Everyone says its proposterous but I think I can prove their guilt. 

Page 3

Ok when I locked up everybody related to spice the attacks didn't stop. Hmm those spice miners are cleverer than I thought. 

Page 4

Yoda keeps telling me that Anakin is in great pain. Hmph, everybody is in pain according to him. He said I was in pain. I bet he told Piell to kick me so I would beleive him. WELL THAT WON'T WORK GREENY 

Page 5

Received message from Obi-wan. He is in trouble he says Count Dooku is in charge of this little group of conquerers. I never thought he would work with spice miners. I am taking what Jedi we have to rescue Obi-wan. FINALLY my peice of action in the films. We'll show those spice miners. 

Page 6   
  
Well there were no spice miners, but there were a lot of droids. I battled bravely but we were seriously outnumbered by the combined droid armys of the Trade Federation and some anonymous droid makers. Then Yoda came riding down on these ships and we were lifted away from the arena WOOHOO. Unfortunately the pilots had australien accents. 

Page 7

HIS HAND HIS HAND HIS BEAUTIFUL HAND!! THAT ASSOCIATE OF SPICE MINERS CUT OFF HIS HAND!!! GO YODA GO YODA GO YODA! 

Page 8

Later I had a talk with Obi-wan and Yoda. Yoda told me that the spice miners had nothing to do with it. But I think theirs more behind this little rebellion than meets the eye. Then we went shopping! 

Page 9

I love these new nylon robes! Yoda was tutting as was Obi-wan, but Obi-wan can't really talk, he wears silk underwear. 

Page 10

Forget I just said that. 

I have no idea what kind of underwear he wears! 

Really!!!!   
  
  
  



	6. Master Yoda

_I do not own Star Wars. It is property of la Georgy Lucas. No material profit from this do I gain.___

**The Diaries**

_Anakin, Obi-wan, Padme, Dooku and Windu have all had their secrets exposed, but now it is time to read...___

**The Diarie of Jedi Master Yoda**

Page 1

Heard about that assasination attempt on the landing platform I did. Dreadfully worried I was. But then I found that the Senator was safe. She will fit perfectly in with my plans. HAHAHAHAHA AAAAH HAHAHAHAHAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

Page 2

Went to a bar I did. Watched as Anakin almost shot I did. Bad twist. Not become Vader if grateful. So sent anonymous e-mail I did. It said 

_To Anakin___

_Disobey Obi-wan you should. Holding you back he is. Strike him down. Destroy the Jedi. Unleash your hate. Hate is the path to power it is. Hope you take heed of this e-mail I do.___

_From Anonymous___

Page 3

I got a reply from Anakin. 

_To Yoda___

_I thought you were on the light side. SHAME ON YOU!___

_From Anakin_

How could he have known it was me? 

Page 4

WOOOHOOO I sense pain and hate in Anakin. Told Mace Windu. He seemed pleased. 

Page 5

We received a message from Obi-wan, he is in trouble with my old apprentice. Dooku always was a scamp. 

Page 6

I flew to Kamino and brought an army of clones to Geonosis. But nobody knows the real reason I was there. If Anakin will not turn to the Dark Side. I WILL! I have cloned myself, a clone that doesn't have accelerated growth. And I have had them program that clone to go to the dark side, to be trained by the Palpatine Sith clone I ordered. I have created DARTH VADER!!!! 

Page 7

ANAKIN'S HAND ANAKIN'S HAND HIS BEAUTIFUL HAND!! THAT LITTLE BRAT SLICED OFF HIS HAND!!! GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! 

Page 8

Mace Windu thought they were spice miners. Stupid him. But that was al forgotten when we went shopping. 

Page 9

Tut tut tut tut tut 

Page 10

Nobody will ever read this diarie. Nobody will ever know that I created the greatest evil in the galaxy, in the trilogy. I CREATED DARTH VADER AND EMPORER PALPATINE!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  



	7. Jango Fett

_I do not own Star Wars. It is property of George Lucas._

**The Diaries**

_Sadly this is the final diarie. No, I do not have the diary of the women who ran the Jedi Archives. I do not hold the diary the speeder driver who famously called Obi-wan "JEDI MOHJO!" nor have I obtained the diary of that Battle droid that marched next to C-3PO. What I do have to show you is..._

**The Diarie of Bounty Hunter Jango Fett**

Page 1

Aaah how I wish I was back in Australia, I mean Corella. Surfing the sea. Going to the Sydney Opera house, I mean Sanction Operation House. Aaaaah 

Page 2

Some Jedi dude came to interveiw me today. I thought he was a reporter, but it turned out he was just there to talk about the army of ME!! Hey I'm so great, they can't live with just one of me. They have to have MILLIONS!!!! And BILLIONS!!! And TRILLIONS!!! 

Page 3

I battled that Obi dude on the landing platform. He was no match for me. But I barely got away. Cute little Boba, he was so vicious when I was trying to kill the Jedi. Helped and everything! 

Page 4

From one battle to the next. The Jedi dude tracked us and he like, so was no match for us. We destroyed him, he didn't stand a chance. HAHAHAHAHA 

Page 5

I'm in the middle of a battle on Geonosia, writing this diary, theres a jedi coming towards me. Aaah AAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH 

Page 6

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Page 7

ANAKIN'S HAND ANAKINS HAND HIS BEAUTIFUL HAND!! I'LL SHOW THAT STUPID OLD MAN NOT TO CUT OFF PEOPLE'S HANDS!! Except uuuh I'm dead so I can't GO YODA GO YODA GO YODA GO YODA!!! 

Page 8

Hell isn't such a bad place actually. 

Page 9

Well my mother always used to say "You can never go cold in Hell" I guess she was right. 

Page 10

Got to go. I have an appointment with Mr Devil! Goodbye sweet diarie!!!!! 

_Well thats all. I am doing an Action/adventure story soon. So if anybody wants to send in characters for my consideration then my e-mail address is_   
_pauld4@btinternet.com. I will need it their name, their age *Average age for main characters will be about fifteen* their occupation (If they have one) Details on what they look like, their species. And of course their personality and whether you want them good or bad.___

_In the meantime look out for me doing a christmas humor storie.___

_See ya!_   



End file.
